DAY 5
Sunday 16 July 2017
Uf-da. What. A. Day.
actually, what a two days...
Ouf.
We are now on the last leg of this three part journey that
began yesterday in a different country. 2 hours left to go. Ish.
We are in a different seat than the ones we reserved, but at
least now we aren't sweating so much even between my legs was slippery. The air
condition was out of order in our carroza. Oy vey.
Chalk it up to our train (mis)adventures lol. Or at least to
the need to be flexible when traveling. Always be flexible.
-
Let's go back and catch up...
~
Sunday 16th July 2017
Oy… 11 hours on the night train… woke up to the lightening
sky and countryside passing by. Tried to dose some more but eventually gave in
to waking up and accepting the day was dawned. Though I was kind of glad—ready
to be off that train.
Luckily, the other bunkers left and so we had time to get all
of our things together and compose ourselves before disembarking. Just changed
my shirt and brushed my teeth in the icky train bathroom.
Next stop: NICE!
~
We arrived in Sunny Nice, walked through the medium sized
train station with high ceilings, and out into the city.
It was a very quiet Sunday morning. Wide, clear,
street/sidewalks with only a few people here and there. most places still
closed.
Saw Notre Dame for something like the fourth time (this time
the Nice one lol).
Google Maps said it was a mile so with our packs strapped
tight we made our way in the direction of the beach.
Heard music coming from the site of the upcoming Jazz
festival. Mary J Blige will be there.
Finally, a bit of blue we knew didn’t belong to the sky
appeared on the horizon. We were close.
We also saw a huge sculpture rising that reminded me of the
one I searched out in Boston.
~
We found all the people! They are all already at the beach to
start out their Sunday morning.
The water was so blue! Cote d’azur. Almost as blue as Greece
;) The beaches were mostly rocks where we were. We walked down and picked our
path over those smooth stones to an open space between beachgoers. Plopping
down our stuff, we took a short break to relax by the water. Dipped our toes in
the water. Did tree pose and boat pose in my bad yogi shirt because when in
Nice, do as Erin Motz does :)
Didn’t have time to dawdle. Picked up a few polished and
pretty stones for souvenirs (for ryan and us). Then laced up our shoes
and geared up and trudged back up the stairs that led us there. What goes down
must come back up stairs…
We headed right across the street and right into an open air
market. Perusing the colorful and fresh offerings, we picked up a peach, an
orange, and a pint of raspberries—SO good! (well, the verdict is still out on
dad’s orange, he hasn’t eaten it yet).The peach and the raspberries made for
good train snacks—the peach was the best i ever had…
We popped into a bakery for a loaf of bread and the best
apple turnover ever. not as sweet and sugary as american ones, and real apple
flavor… Another great train snack. And then, even though it was before 11, we
had gelato :) at a place with over 90 flavors. I couldn’t remember if Erin Motz
had recommended the cappuccino or the stratchetella for this one so I just got
both.
Now, time to walk back to the train. Made it with a bit of
time to chat with Spyros and then off on the next leg of our journey.
~
This is where we hit a speed bump. Though we wouldn’t realize
the full effects of it until later.
By now, we’d been traveling via train and heavy pack-packing
for a good 20 hours or so. And it was warm. And we’d “slept” on a train before.
No shower since yesterday morning… Needless to say we were warm. And sweaty.
And tired. And just felt kind of gross all over.
I really wanted to change clothes. And I had been prepared
and brought along a small ebag with extra clothes in it. My other bad yogi
shirt I’d worn on the train. My spyros green shirt I’d brought along thinking
I’d want the comfort on the train but then being so uncomfortable I didn’t move
and so never changed into it on the overnight train. I changed out of my capris
into shorts and new undies. And then was going to wear Spyros shirt. But when I
put it on it was too warm still. So back to bad yogi tank #2. I zipped it all
back up, grabbed my tennis shoes, and went back to my seat.
Needing to tell of my bathroom changing adventures and to
lazy to take my big honking backpack down from the upper rack to repack my bag,
I just put it on the floor with my shoes.
And then forgot about it.
We enjoyed the first class change of scenery and rode for a
ways. Eating the peach. Some raspberries. I almost got out my computer to do
video stuff but then realized my cord was packed away. Again, too lazy to
bother grabbing it. I postcarded instead.
The air condition was not working and now we were even warmer
and sweatier than when we started.
About half way through our trip I suppose, the train lady
(who reminded me of Mahi in the way she looked and spoke english) came to
inform everyone the car was out of order and we’d have to move to car 4.
In the hustle and bustle that ensued trying to pack up our
space and re-lace my shoes, I just grabbed my big pack and day pack and we went
on our way.
That small ebag was left behind. And I wouldn’t realize it
until we got to our hotel in Milan. Too late.
The rest of our journey was fine. A little cooler. I
journaled a bit. dozed a bit. Looked out the window a bit.
And then we were in Milan.
The station was huge. We walked through trying to find our
hotel and google maps was a bit wonky. Our hotel was right across the street
thankfully. A little sketchy outside the station. A lot of people literally
just hanging around, bumming. Dad was uncomfortable with it. I was too a
little.
We checked in, settled in. Dad showered. I checked in on
wifi. Called mom and megan. Then I went to get my stuff sorted and maybe
shower.
I gathered some things to shower and a change of clothes. As
I was getting ready to jump in, I realized there had been something missing in
my bag. I wrapped myself in the towel and went back to double check and
panicked when I realized I didn’t have that small ebag with the clothes I’d
worn earlier.
I was upset and frustrated. Dad said it was gone now. It
would be okay.
And then in the middle of my shower, already struggling
against tears and trying to process it and tell myself it would be okay—suddenly
I realized my green Spyros shirt was in there too. And i lost it. And it became
very very very difficult to process.
I cried.
I finished showering quickly.
I went back out and told dad about this latest discovery.
He could see i was upset but still I don’t think knew what all this meant
to me.
But he said we could go back to the train station and ask
there. I looked up online if they had a lost and found and when I saw they did
but it was only open during the week, I didn’t finish reading it very
carefully. And when I saw it said to contact the railway police first in the
event of loss, I didn’t think that applied to my case. And I didn’t know what
to do. And i didn’t realize the lost and found actually wasn’t part of the
station but was in fact 2 miles away.
Anyway, we went back across the street to the station and I
was holding back tears with the wadded up bunch of toilet paper in my hands. We
folllowed the signs to information and found a 60 minute wait for customer
service with a lot of people frustrated about waiting, cutting in line, and
train workers who I think could care less. Or at least, were tired after a long
day and I’m sure a difficult job.
Finally it was our turn and communication was difficult
because I don’t speak any italian and the lady spoke very little english. she
gave me the info for the lost and found. And then called up to see if the train
1539 was still there. A little while later she got a call back and said sorry
it was gone. dad had tried to go up to the platform too but couldn’t get past
without a ticket.
We walked away and I was really struggling. So many what if’s
and should have’s and negative self talk raced through my mind and I sunk
deeper and deeper.
I didn’t know what to do. COuldn’t let it go. Tried to give
it over to God. Tried not to bargain, i didn’t want to come from that angle.
tried to put in perspective. tried to explain it to dad. Tried to listen to him
and the help he offered. tried to let it go. Tried tried tried so hard.
But all i could think of was how stupid I was to make the
mistake of leaving it there. How unbearable it was that it was spyros’ green
shirt. the bad yogi shirt and capris were also so new. I should have checked.
Should have just put it in my bag. Should have looked under the seat. Should
have gone right away to the platform. Something.
I should be able to just let it go and move on…
As it was, now we’d lost something verging on 2 hours of our
night. Dad wanted to try to salvage it and so we thought to try and get down to
the old canal area with the metro. But we went down so many passage ways and
there were so many people and finally dad said we should just forget it and
find somewhere to eat close by.
And now, that’s not a bad idea, but in my state of mind, now
we’d wasted our night in Milan. And it was all my fault.
We went back to the hotel, past a woman screaming at someone
for who knows why. So probably good we weren’t navigating Milan so late at
night. We asked our receptionist for recommendation and he pointed us just 20
meters down the street. a decent, kinda touristy, italian joint.
I was really struggling to be in a good mood and accept that
this was okay. I couldn’t believe what dad said about not minding. That he was
still enjoying. that I wasnt ruining things.
But i felt so much like i was. And i couldn’t let it go.
Dad shared about his own worries. Times he’s stayed up all
night thinking over and over. How maybe he didn’t do a good enough job
preparing me to deal with failures.
How I don’t have to be perfect. I can’t not make mistakes.
But i don’t want to make mistakes. I didn’t want to make that mistake.
And i was stuck because now i was “wasting” time…
The pizza was ok. My stomach hurt. I felt nauseous from
working myself up so much. i couldn’t let it go. I spiraled further and further
and further…
we went back to the hotel. Megan tried to talk to me about
it. but also encouraged me to just let it go. I could get another shirt from
spyros.
Spyros was at a wedding so we didn’t talk much. But he said
the shirt doesn’t matter as much as us and that soon we will be together. and
we can find a different shirt or something.
Dad continued to try to figure out how to help me, shared
with me, encouraged me to give it over to God. And to forgive myself. He knows
it’s not easy.. To remind me he wasn’t mad though i thought he was. He was
having a good trip. I’d done a good job. He wasn’t there to see milan or venice
or whatever. Just to spend time with me. We’d never done anything like this.
And maybe he should have helped me more with the planning. And this didn’t make
him not want to ever come again. And he knows it means a lot to me. But I have
spyros too and spyros cares much more about me than a shirt. If i hold myself
to such high expectations i’ll be miserable not living up to them because it’s
impossible. And so on.
And how he didn’t know why this happened tonight but maybe so
we would have that talk and figure something out about each other and learn
better how to handle life’s hiccups and move forward and be closer. Maybe
that’s it.
I tried again to let it go. tried to watch friends. Tried to
text with spyros but he didn’t have so much time. Shared in a text with bridget
about it.
And dad fell asleep. and i watched another episode. and then
turned my computer off.
And my eyes were so tired. they hurt. I could feel them
swollen from not sleeping like at all in two very full days. And the tears.
I was tired.
but I could not sleep.
And in the dark, the images and demons and what ifs and
stupidos came flooding in again. And it was more than i could bear.
When dad rolled over I told him i couldn’t sleep and he asked
why and it flooded over.
The hurt and worry and anxiety of the day were still there. I
was still beating myself up. I was feeling shame. Because if I can’t deal with
a small problem like this in the grand scheme of things—when people have it so
much worse, when something far worse could have happened today—i feel so weak
and stupid and shameful… A waste.
and it bubbled up further and i really cried and he hugged me
and tried to help. And the hurt exposed a deeper fear—about grandma and
worrying about what if she dies while I’m away and I don’t want her to die—I
don’t want to have to make that decision—i don’t want to have to make difficult
decisions.
God please help me.
and it took me a while to calm back down. and spyros called
quick and said some of the same reassurances. But he had to drive back to
athens for work in the morning and it was already very late. and I worried for
him.
And i think dad and i talked some more. And I don’t remember
if he prayed or not. I tried to pray. Peace Lord please. Please Lord peace.
I don’t know how but eventually somehow i must have dozed
off.
Our alarm woke us up too soon—just four short hours later...
~
Writing through this again now, about 24 hours later, and I
still have parts of me that feel raw. I still need a lot of help. Because the
night comes and we aren’t busy in venice anymore and the thoughts come flooding
back. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to face this. I don’t know…
I suppose this is part of the process of healing and letting
go and moving forward. I think in just a few days it won’t matter so much. In a
month. In a year.
But I also think that it is a big deal to me. It is a big loss felt. And the trauma of the anxiety that took over is not nothing…
My stomach hurt all day.
Anyway. At the end of the day. All I can do, is focus on now.
I can’t change the past. I can’t speed up the future. I can’t fix everything
right away. All I can do is try and pray to God for help. I don’t know how
manytimes I”ll have to ask You to retake this out of my hands but as many times
as it takes Lord please help me find peace in all this. to trust you.
Please.
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